I write my blog so I have chance to be honest. Gut wrenchingly honest. I want people to know all of the thoughts that run through my mind (ok not ALL). However illogical or logical. With the risk of sounded conceded, I know that I am a wise girl. I have been through a lot in my short life. I know that I shouldn’t spend time living in fear… but I am only human after all.
Sometimes living without worry is easier said then done. It is easy to walk proud smiling as if you own the world. Nothing effects you right? Because, we are logical and know the difference between living scared and living free.
Like I said, easier said then done.
I know that I am not much. An ordinary girl with ordinary talents. But I will say that I am strong. I understand life more then most people give me credit for. I am not saying I am Yoda (I can’t believe I just quoted Star Wars!) I am stating, however that I know how to keep my head above water without water wings (head wings?). I know the difference between living in fear and living free. I am logical. I GET it.
But sometimes logic isn’t in the forefront of your mind. Sometimes you have to be weak. If only for a little while. You have to give yourself time to feel human.
Without weakness we would never need other people in our lives. We would all be stoic robots. Emotion is what makes us human. We need to let our fears out and our tears drip every once in a while. I believe that showing weakness is sometimes a great strength. It takes a certain type of vulnerability to let others know you are hurting. That you are scared. Or whatever the case.
Simply said, people need to know your heart.
It is amazing to me that we are more then half way through chemo. I remember the first chemo session and how scared we all were. The fear of the unknown making us nervous. What would happen to mom once chemo began? Would she vomit all the time? Would she miss a lot of work? Would her nails come off? In what ways would she be different So many questions, but there was no way of knowing.
But now, we have a mere six weeks left and we roll into the cancer treatment center like we own the place (not really). My mom in the lead, her posey, five deep, behind her. Like Regina George in Mean Girls but not the mean part…
We bring our sandwiches, pizza, Yahtzee… It is an on going joke that my mom has a chemo party with her entourage of people every week. If there is anyone in the world that can make a good time out of a bad situation it is my mom.
The treatment center has private rooms that we crowd regularly, leaving only standing room. The nurses have to edge around us.
There is my dad, Bud, who is either pacing around the room (because he works a 4am to 1pm right before chemo and is so tired that if he doesn’t keep moving he’ll fall asleep,) or sharing the bed with my mom.
Next we have my Great Aunt Cherri who takes turns providing food with Bud and bringing games. She provides the corky strange vibe with her odd jokes, great stories, and lovable rants. Cherri literally is the icing on the cake.
Of course there is me and sometimes my daughter Cherri. My daughter provides much needed joy because everybody loves a cute baby, The nurses, doctors, and other patients. My daughter has the tendency to steal the show no matter where we are at. I don’t provide much, other then inappropriate jokes and overall awkwardness. Either way it makes people laugh, whether its at me, with me, or simply because they are uncomfortable, laughter all the same. I guess its safe say I am good company. The one you say you could do without but then you miss when they are not there.
Lastly we have Gayle. I could and probably should write a whole blog post about her. She has been nothing short of amazing. The truest of all friends. She provides wisdom, godly nourishment, endless love, and a humbleness that makes everything that is wrong in this world seem livable. Gayle, has had her fair share of trails (I am not at liberty to divulge details) and because of that she knows so many things that have been helpful to mom. To all of us really. Not only that but she has taken meticulous notes and created a binder for my mom that has everything she needs wrapped up in three little rings. There is a million things I could say about Gayle but Ill leave it at this… she has truly been the God send my mom needed. That we all needed.
We have had our guest attendees as well. There is Brooke, my moms long time friend who works at the hospital. She gives us the much appreciated 411 of the staff. My niece and nephew, Alexis and Damian, who also gave mom happiness.
Also, when my mom had her port placed into her chest my brother was there along with my Aunt Julie, sister-in-law Kristina, and my mom’s good friend Sarah. There are many people who have been supporting our family with thoughts, prayers, gifts, an so much more. We are seriously so thankful for everyone and everything. Aside from God, it is you that has given us the strength and courage to preserve.
My next post is going to be photos of my mom displaying how beautiful bald really is. She will be wearing a lot of the hats, scarves, and headbands that people gifted her. She will not be wearing every item gifted because there simply isn’t enough time to photograph everyones generosity!
Until next time.