Every year on the first I feel sad. I am not sure why because it is usually a time of happy and new beginnings. I guess I begin to question my life and really ponder the impact I made in the year past. Did I make a difference in someones life? Did I fail? Did I hurt someone? Did I grow? Should I be proud of me? Did I do enough?
I told David this today as we begun moving boxes into our new house. He thought I was being crazy and didn’t understand where I was coming from. He calmly reminded me that I may not have completed everything I set out to do this year but I still had something to be proud of.
He is right. I know this, but my heart still feels like a cedar block.
I survived one of the toughest years I have ever had at work, made it through a battle I have been facing privately, moved across the country, and now we closed the year off by buying a house. A house! That is huge!
But, why then do I feel so black?
As you know, I started this blog last New Years with a list of goals I set out to do. Naturally I only accomplished a few items on my little list and that is fine because they will roll over into this year and the year after that until my list is complete. But, there was another item on that list that David and I didn’t tell anyone about, a private New Years Resolution if you will.
We decided to pray everyday for a year that I would become pregnant. We wanted to begin 2016 with a little Kadron. We have never used protection because I don’t have a regular cycle like most women. In fact I have had a lot of “lady issues” throughout my lifetime. Doctors had even told me that I couldn’t have any children for whatever reason. They were all different. I didn’t have enough eggs, hormones were off, I was too unhealthy etc.
I told David this as soon as he began showing real interest in me. I knew he wanted to be a father more then anything and I didn’t want to weigh him down. Of course he said that we could have kids a million different ways and that he would love me through whatever trail we may face in the future. To be honest I only half believed him because that is what every guy says until the facts are staring you in the face. (I was a tad angry then and I know that every guy does not say that)
Anyways, shortly after we moved here we starting seeing this fertility specialist. We went through a series of tests and we found out that David is perfectly fine but I have one blocked tube and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I was on pills for awhile but then it just got too hard. Trying and failing. Getting excited just to be disappointed. It is completely heart breaking. After awhile we decided to put having a child on hold and leave it on Gods’s hands and start saving for adoption. This was the first doctor to take me seriously and really discover what was wrong and the medication she had me on made me feel better then I have in years.
After all is said and done, it is possible for us to have a baby but it will take a miracle and/or a lot on money.
Words cannot describe how painful that is to go through as a woman. But I survived it and I am living a life completely trusting that God will provide when we are ready.
So we moved on, put that pain in a box to open later in life. We saved and bought a house and set new goals for our careers. David wants to be management by March and I want to have a full time well paying job by the start of summer.
I have every reason to be happy. I did so much this year. I have had more adventures then I can count and made new friends in the meantime. I fell deeper in love with my best friend and he stayed by my side through all the bad, ugly, happy, sad, that is year brought.
Now, here we are getting South Carolina drivers licenses and moving into our first home together.
So 2016 bring it on.
I am am ready for you.
We are ready for you.