Dear Almost Lover,
I wish I never would have replied. I wish I would have turned my phone off or gave it to a friend. Maybe I should have left in my car, at work, or at school… In the freezer I don’t care. All I know is that I never should have replied to the last text you sent me. I should’ve held my tongue and fought the battle. Maybe then I would have kept you. Maybe then you would have stayed.
But you asked and I retaliated. You wanted too much too fast and I put on the brakes. I lead you on and when you asked for more I threw you to the wayside. Like scraps of food you leave on a plate and feed to the dogs.
All you wanted was me. Naked like Eve but I didn’t want my Adam. Not yet anyways. I wanted power, control, and I wanted to get you back for what you did to me.
You said I wasn’t ugly and then turned away. It broke my heart and I didn’t hear from you for months and suddenly without warning you were in my life again and I hated myself for letting you back in. You were my thoughts, actions, and desires night and day for months and when you left the first time I shattered.
Hate to it admit it, but it’s true. So when you came again, I didn’t ask questions. I let you back in, consuming me once again. So when you asked me to wait. To give you everything… I couldn’t. Instead I had to settle the score.
I beat you down and broke you just like you did with me. Maybe it could be justified but it doesn’t make it fair. All it did was tare us further apart. And I lost you again.
My friends and family watched me with concern. I was a goldfish without a castle to hide in. Sadness engulfed me like a glove. I was bitter and because of that I lost you again. My mom told me to let it go but I can’t. You are as much a part of me as muscle is to flesh.
All these games. All the lies. I understand that you were scared when you walked away and it doesn’t make what you did right but what I did was worse. I gave a reason to fear me, fear love, fear us.
Please remember the night we met, the night we talked about music until the dew blanketed the morning grass, and of course the night you kissed me. You tasted like cayenne pepper. Flavorless but the heat grows the more you consume it.
This isn’t a plea or some random thoughtless whimsy but me sending out a flare. Because maybe it isn’t too late for us.
Love Always, Me