Foolish Behavior (Chronicle of a 19 Year-Old Girl)

There is something in your voice that startles me to the core….

You took me by surprise form the very first day we met. I never would have thought that you, of all people, would make me curse the stars. With your beady eyes and that stupid hat your always wore, even your name was boring, but in the end it was you. I could not have stopped it if I tried.

From the first time we talked about our tattoos to the conversation that seemed to flow from our lips as we sat unknowingly on top of that mill, I was into you. I went to bed that night with you on my mind. I remember thinking about you and wondering if there was chance that you could mend my broken heart. I knew it was foolish but I wanted so badly to be proven wrong about love. I thought that maybe, just maybe, not all guys were cheaters and heart breakers.

You seemed to always want to get to know me. You wanted to know my secrets and my scars. I trusted you without hesitation and I never had my guard up.

My mind always goes back to that evening when we sat inside the mill, the light was dim and we sat in plastic green lawn chairs. Misquotes we flying all around us but neither of us seemed to notice, or at least I didn’t. I told you about my biggest wound while you sat and listened. You told me a little about your past and about your haunting addiction. We talked about music and you brought out that giant speaker and plugged your iPhone in. You introduced me to Irish pub music while I told you to look up songs by Bob Dylan.

You always seemed to annoy me to the root of my existence, yet every night it was you that was on my mind. I have never let someone get to know me so fast before and with you in was an instant attraction, a brand new feeling for me. Man, I was crazy about you. You led me to believe that you were into me too. The way I would catch you watching me from across the room, or how you would invite me places, sit by me and flirt with me.

I woke up everyday just waiting until we could talk. One time after we went to get the flat tire fixed on the van, it was pouring, I quickly changed into clothes I wouldn’t mind getting wet in. I walked to the mill and climbed the ladder to await the rain while sitting on top. You came to join me moments later. We talked and laughed until the rain came pouring down, drenching us. Sitting up high soaking up the rain, it was my kind of bliss.

Then there was that ridiculous fight. You were pissing me off in so many ways that I didn’t fully understand. Perhaps I was just in a foul mood. There was a moment however, where we shared that diet Coke, and we both agreed that it tasted terrible. We were painting this house and you kept pushing my buttons so I took my brush and slapped it across your face. You were so angry; I could tell by the way you body stiffened. I was already beginning to feel the shame of what I had done. I felt like I was a little schoolgirl who didn’t know any better. And I did know better, you already told me that you were quick to anger. You wacked me with the paint roller that you were using, and for a moment I thought I could turn this mess around. So I reminded you that all the paint was in my position and you reminded me aggressively that it wasn’t our paint and it wasn’t our house. I felt so angry and embarrassed with myself I didn’t speak to you for a while.

All the other memories are some kind of delightful blur. You wanted me to try sushi, so I did but it tasted so unwieldy in my mouth. You took my hands when we walked along the pier telling me to trust you as I leaned forward over the water. How our arms brushed against each other, when I sat close to you on the couch. Laying on our backs, side by side, on top of that mill, our hands played some weird slap game. You frightened me when I stood by the window, I turned right into your arms and you held me there for a moment. Or when you but that tape over my mouth and then kissed me over the tape. But as I know now, delight is disorder.

That last night when we were together you asked for my number so we could keep in touch. We hugged then; it was the closest I had been to you. My heart was aching; I didn’t want this to be our goodbye. I opened up and let you in. You were the first boy to when my heart so fast, you didn’t have to work for it, it just happened. I guess what everyone says about love happening when you least expect is true. Not that I loved you but I think I could have. We should have just left it as it was. An almost romance, that way I would never have discovered the truth. I never would have found out what a fool I had been. I never would have realized that I misread all those signs. I never, I never, I never…

We talked night and day for a few months when I got back but then you told me abruptly that you didn’t think we should talk anymore. When I asked why you said you could tell early on that I had developed feelings for you but you didn’t say anything because I was by “no means an ugly girl.” You had no feelings for me whatsoever. You just let believe you did because you were attracted to my looks. I was nothing more than a pretty face. I feel betrayed and deceived. You cut me off after awhile because you felt I was getting into way to deep and you knew that you had to stop. I wish you had stopped it sooner.

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